It was all those affairs that I didn’t have

My ex-husband accused me of having multiple affairs. Except there were no affairs. He invented many things to slur my name.  Perhaps if he apportioned blame to me for the demise of our marriage then it helped him to avoid looking at himself.  I don’t know, I’m no psychologist, but I’ve learnt many things over the past 3.5 years of separation that have surprised and shocked me.

If you’d listened to my ex-husband then one reason I caused the demise of our marriage by having multiple affairs. I had an affair with a colleague and I also had an affair with someone I’d not seen in a decade and who lives 300 miles away.  Not only is it ludicrous, it’s hard for it not to be offensive.

None of this is remotely funny to me, however, because the truth of the situation is so far removed from his loud lies. Let’s look at the truth:

  • I battled hard to save a marriage that in the end was not worth saving. I can’t recoup that effort and those years. And to cap it off, I have my name dragged through the mud. That’s a gut punch.
  • It would never have occurred to me to have an affair. It’s my belief that affairs wreck emotions and are not the solution to solve relationship issues however many emotional needs are going unmet in your current relationship. Thus to be accused of multiple affairs felt really offensive for a while (until I stopped caring what he said).
  • I was run ragged looking after 2 small kids and for the most part of their early childhood I was out of work staying at home with them because we’d relocated at his command and I was suddenly out of work. The context makes the opportunity to have an affair totally non-existent.
  • I was allowed to go out one night a week – and that was to set up playgroup with my friend, so again, I’d say that opportunities were kind of limited. Who was I going to have an affair with exactly, the plastic slide?

I did take his malicious lies to heart for a while. It’s hard to deal with the knowledge that someone is spreading lies about you and saying them to goodness knows who, especially when all the advice for separated parents is to do the right thing, act maturely and to not bad mouth each other.  Whilst you’re busy playing fair, the rest of the town thinks you’re a slut. Brilliant.

I’d have been happy to just have that space to breathe again, but no, he insisted on this became a war.

It’s very hard to fight a war you don’t want to be in.

It’s hard to imagine who was listening to him?  It could be no one, but the thought alone is a fright.  Who did he tell?  Who took notice?  Did people take sides against me?  It’s tough not to become paranoid and very hurt.  I spent a lot of time feeling low about this kind of thing.

Whoever said “sticks and stones can hurt my bones but words can never hurt me”, was plain wrong.

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