The ANGER post

I promised to tell the truth – the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Not the pleasant truth, but the ugly truth as well.

You know I sent an email requesting zero contact from the Wicked Woman from the Land of Narcissism?  Well, it took some crafting. The point I want to make is, the final, assertive, calm and crystal clear email that I sent wasn’t the first thing to come out of my mouth nor out of my mind onto the page. I started writing and something less refined popped out as my immediate response.

Obviously I wasn’t going to send my true response, but the level of unfairness, anger and injustice that it produces is deep and traumatic and my initial response was pretty intense.  My boyfriend and I argued about the whole thing too, because he was worried that I wouldn’t be safe if I sent an email to her – he perceives that she loves the merry go round, the hatred, the fighting, so he advised against sending anything at all.  I wanted him to just fiercely support me, regardless. We argued. Then we sorted it, because we can, and whilst arguing is rubbish, being able to sort something out and move on with truth and understanding, both having learnt something – within 24 hours – feels incredibly empowering.

Today I’ve chosen to share with you my initial ANGRY response. This is the real TRUTH about what I felt when she sent YET ANOTHER shitty email.

My point is, if you’re in a situation where someone you care about is being abused, allow them to be angry. Don’t let your own discomfort at their anger be a reason to stop their natural response.  It’s far healthier for it to come out, either verbally, in writing, in art, in playing loud music or in punching a cushion.

I want to show you the depth and truth of the trauma buried inside.  There is still so much of it to be released.

Just to be clear, I am still very sore from the family psychotherapy meeting. It was hideous. I tried writing about it but it’s so horrendous to relive the feelings of abuse and to recall the hatred coming from her.  Where as he is sneaky, planned, cunning and malicious (so he tries to hide his abuse) – her form of abuse is right on display for all to see.

My response was raw and real, and left me literally shaking, crying, shouting, not really holding it together – and I choose not to be that person anymore.  The pair of them have told so many lies about me and distorted the truth so many times that I get scared of saying anything in case they twist it again.

Anyway, let’s lift the lid. Here is what I wrote to her but didn’t send. I’m showing you instead…

Nice pompous start there on your email “for the avoidance of doubt…”  let me tell you, lady, for the avoidance of doubt, I don’t want to hear from you whatsoever – EVER AGAIN!  You needn’t bother signing your email “Cordially” when you’re the least cordial person I’ve ever met.

This is the last contact you will get from me. This is my last goodbye, you pompous, hateful cow.  You abusive, disgusting excuse for a human being.

Allow me to make this crystal clear for you.

I will not tolerate your pompous, patronising, condescending, bullying emails and texts one second longer.  You are mentally unstable, vicious, malicious, angry woman who has done her best to destroy my family.

If I see you ever again I will walk the other way. I don’t wish to see your face or hear your name for as long as I live.

You have damaged my family beyond repair – my children’s future mental health is in danger because of your behaviour.

STAY AWAY FROM ME – FOREVER. DO NOT CONTACT ME AGAIN.

One more text or email from you and I will immediately get a harassment notice issued against you AND seek a court injunction.

You have wrecked my life with your malicious lies, spreading lies that I abuse my children when YOU are the biggest abuser of them all.

After having seen your behaviour at the meeting, it’s clear that there is something deeply wrong with you – but I don’t wish to exhaust my own energy contemplating whether that’s psychopathy or evil or the fact that you’re a victim of abuse yourself. I don’t know and I care less, I just wish you’d stop because you are the step mother of the very people who are dearest to me in the world, and you’re a walking nightmare who has spent more than 3 years trying to make my life a living nightmare.  Sadly, sometimes, you’ve succeeded.

My hatred for your behaviour runs deep.  Not for you.  I am sorry for you. You see, I believe in karma, so I can’t not be sorry for you because I know how you’ve treated me and my children.

Yes I am angry – at the injustice of your abuse. You needn’t bother twisting it AGAIN to make it look like I’m the crazy one. I’m done with you!

Don’t think that I can’t see you for what you are.

I’m ahead of you – by about 3 years if that meeting was anything to go by. You’re stuck in a time warp, playing your same old lies on repeat.  You’ve learnt your script well.  I wonder whether you actually even believe your own lies. Do you practice them together on a night?

I’m your worst nightmare, because I’m strong – I’ve changed, I’ve grown, I’ve learnt how to tell the truth and speak it loudly.  No longer your little victim, frightened of my own shadow, frightened of you wrecking my reputation, frightened to do the school run, frightened that people will think I’m something I’m not, frightened of the damage you’ll do (you’ve done it, and with it, I found strength to overcome your lies. I hope to God my children can find the same strength to overcome you).

I have held my tongue over and over in the face of your malicious abuse.

And now, you will hold yours.

I hope that you will sleep well at night.  I do believe that one day, before the end of your life, you will come to realise the damage you have caused.  Somewhere inside you know the truth but you’re so damned scared of it.  Some things can only be forgiven by God.

My poor children have to live with you. I pray to God every day that he will keep them safe whilst you are around, poisoning their lives.

Does any part of you understand how low it is to bad-mouth a mother to her own children?

You’re a mother yourself.  Oh, but you’ve got problems in that sphere of your life as well – with your ex-husband and his new fiancé – in and out of court with them too.  Spreading lies about them too.  Wrecking their lives too.

Did you ever stop to realise that YOU ARE the common denominator in all of this?

There is nothing more powerful than an intended victim refusing to be a victim any longer.

The revolting things that you have written, you have done with your verbal diarrhoea and big words that you keep getting wrong but you still think you’re right (surely other people can’t have studied English too?)

You have gone as far as you dare, attempting to psychologically undermine and damage my mental health. That is because it is YOU who is psychologically and mentally unstable, your mental breakdown constantly hanging in the balance.

I want you to NEVER contact me again.  I am done with you and your lies, with your hatred and with your vile black heart.

Go do some work on yourself. Learn to love yourself and cure the evil hatred and anger you pour onto everyone around you.

The truth will come out. It always, eventually does.

You do not scare me.  But the truth, should you choose to take a sneaky peek at it, ought to scare you very much.

Your malice is unending and unyielding. Look inside yourself for the cure you need.

I don’t need the project of knowing whether you are a psychopath or mentally ill or abused yourself.  I don’t need that in my life.

All I know is that when you text or email me, I shake with fear, wondering what part of my life you’re going to wreck next.  That is emotional and psychological abuse.  Do you understand me?

This abuse comes from you.

In the meantime, Fake Step Mother of the Year, do your best to look after my children.  My babies.  The loves of my life who are living with my abusers.

This is my final goodbye. Now be gone.

There you have it. Written out, gone, with a puff of smoke and a press of the publish button. I’d encourage you to own your angry feelings – they need to be released.  Writing has a power of its own.  This toxicity has gone round my head and body for over 3 years.  It really feels different when it comes out.  Freeing, liberating.

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