Requesting Zero Contact – And By Jove Do I Mean It

Gosh what a way to start the day. I sent an email to my ex’s new wife to ask her to not contact me again. She shows no respect nor understanding, so I felt it was right to add a clause stating that if she didn’t do as requested I would seek a police harassment information notice and if necessary, a court injunction.  It’s hard to see something that’s quite negative as a forward step, but it IS, I’m sure.  It’s a forward step for my own emotional health and for that I should feel proud of myself.

Briefly, how did it come about?  Well, the other day I sent a brief email to my ex-husband to try and sort out uniform for next year. I’m planning on getting the kids’ new school shoes this weekend and wanted to double check he’s not done the same.

I got a strongly worded, arsey, pompous, condescending email back from HER asking me not to contact him.

This is a perfect example of how abuse happens just when you think you’re carrying out completely normal, every day activities. It blindsides you!

You see how people would think, well, this isn’t real, this can’t happen over something as simple as sorting out who is getting what uniform, surely?  But yes, in fact it can and it does. This is the wildly frustrating aspect of it. Nothing gets resolved, ever. It’s not that they are incapable of resolving things, they are both highly assertive professionals. They don’t WANT to resolve things, they WANT to play an emotionally hurtful game, unleashing their anger over seemingly nothing.

And what’s the alternative? Not sorting out uniform? Letting them go to school in either the wrong uniform, none at all or giving the kids the issue of whether to wear mum’s or dad’s shoes.

I need this kind of shit in my life like I need a hole in the head.  Audible groan coming from me.

It just needs an answer, just needs sorting out, like a normal person.

But no, his wife sent me a snotty pompous email, like she always does, out of the blue, random, hurtful, bizarre, condescending, patronising, irritating, designed to make me feel very small.

There’s no need.

So I sent her an email back this morning, which I hope finalises things.  I have requested no contact from her whatsoever – ever.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not ideal when she has some care of my children, but for the sake of my own sanity, I genuinely, honestly, never want to hear from her again.  I’ve had more than three years of this utter tripe and it’s beyond enough. How I’ve retained any sanity at all is owing to sheer human willpower and the support and kindness of others.

Over the past 3 years, very much of the abuse coming from my ex-husband has been in the form of angry, aggressive emails.  In the family psychotherapy meeting we had in August, she admitted that she had written and sent an email to me.  But it came from his email address.  I wondered, how many of his emails has she written over the past 3 years?  Has he simply allowed her access to his emails – he’s realised she has anger issues and thought it’s a clever and funny way to hurt me, because it’s a passive covert form of abuse?

He’s no writer, and he claims to have dyslexia, however, she writes for a living.  It’s always been obvious that their emails have been cooked up together, but I did wonder after the meeting, has he simply given her access to his emails? Does he even read what she writes?  I’d not considered before the extent to which I may have been confusing her abuse of me as his abuse of me.  I think I’ll never know and part of moving on for me has to be stopping any thinking about their side of things. Stop thinking about it from the abuser’s viewpoint. Whatever it is that causes them to unleash so much anger and malice onto others, it’s not on my wavelength, and the healthiest, strongest thing I can do is to distance myself from that.

My email is clear, truthful and I stand up for myself.

I think it will make her very angry but if it does then that’s her issue. I feel I have said enough to bid her farewell. It’s difficult not to come across as angry (because I am angry as hell about their toxic abuse) but I tried to be assertive and clear.

As I sent the email, I felt sorry for her and actually feel compelled to send her some healing which was an unexpected and strange emotion to come over me (not that I’m some kind of healer, but you know, sincere wishes in themselves are powerful).

Truthfully, I hope that she can use it productively to start understanding the truth and working on acceptance of others’ viewpoints.

I’ve never asked anyone to permanently stay out of my life as I don’t like the notion of the finality of that request when life itself is infinite. It takes a lot for me to get to a position of finality, but it’s right in this instance.  My emotional health cannot wait for her to resolve her issues.  I am taking my own stand right now.

Breathe deeply. If you are taking your own stand or helping someone else to take theirs, I send you much love and the power of assertiveness to speak your truth.

*By Jove. By the way, I wrote the title then wondered who the heck Jove was – apparently, it’s another name for the Roman God, Jupiter.  Every day’s a learning day!

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