Next week, we’re going for family psychotherapy. Me, my ex-husband and his new wife. I say new, they’ve been married 2 years now.
This new development has come off the back of some particularly damning and malicious emails they’ve both sent to me recently. Random acts of hatred.
I changed the way the game has been played and stood up for myself. I did it quickly, before anybody got in my ear with their usual crappy advice (“be the bigger person, say nothing”). Like THAT ever solved anything!
I have every right to defend myself, to dispute the malicious lies told about me and to say no to abuse.
The action I took was very simple. I know my own mind and I have a very good grasp of the situation, having lived through it way too long. I replied, line by line, to his abusive email, stating the truth. I replied in bold red type! Time to own my anger at the injustice of it! (It’s funny because I have been accused of being angry and aggressive when I’m neither as a precursor to me being doubly abused by having my anger and pain go unheeded by others – but the hideous beauty of that ugly manoeuvre on the part of the abuser is to disallow the victim’s ownership of anger in the minds of others. Anger is generally counselled against by most people when there are times that anger IS absolutely the most appropriate and justified response, like now.)
Back it goes, for him to own. Go on, have the truth, in the form of your own unpalatable, disgusting lies. I printed a copy and stuck it in the post before I read it over or changed my mind. It wasn’t received until almost a week later as they were on holiday.
The day of the letter opening – cue a highly agitated, angry voicemail and email from his wife. No communication from him I might add. Along with her agitated messages came the stunning suggestion that we might attend psychotherapy.
YES! Yes yes yes!
I jumped at the chance. In the face of her malice I replied with a simple affirmative to attend. No more anger now, because we have forward movement.
This is what I’ve been saying is the solution. Not the solicitor, not the judge, not the police, not CAFCASS, not social services prevention team, not school. Every single person in authority that this utter bizarre stupidity has been dragged in front of. What can anyone do when the only issues lie within the heart of the abuser(s)? Psychotherapy has to be the answer and I hope the safest scenario for exploring the issues (no legal agenda, no boxes to tick, no evidence required).
It will be a healthy long-term objective for me to stay away from them and just have absolutely minimal contact with them. I don’t think I’ll ever trust either of them, and yet they have charge of my children half of the time. My precious children. It’s hard to reconcile.
I cannot allow myself to believe that there will be any positive solution because the knock backs have been constant and overwhelming. Can you tell me an instance of an abuser changing, seeing the light, waking up or becoming a better person?
I genuinely have no examples. Not one. PLEASE comment if you know of one such example as we need to learn it and share it.
All I can hope for is the opportunity to have a quiet and respectful enough space to be able to tell my side of things. That abuse is not ok, not now, not ever, not for any of us.
In the meantime, I am going to try and recover as much as possible by focussing on the only things I have found to sustain me through the past few years: Truth, happiness and love.
Fingers crossed, everyone! Watch this space.